LBA Senior Singles League – Week 13 Recap
Luigi Fails Bubba, Ron’s Handicap Wins Again, and Mary Gets Luigi’s Number (Again)
😬 Bubba vs. Vacant — And Vacant Wins
After last week’s mysterious phone call, everyone expected Bubba’s friend Luigi to provide a little… “motivation.”
Well, motivation must’ve gotten lost in the mail, because Bubba bowled the vacant and still managed to lose two games to nobody.
At this point we aren’t sure if Luigi is helping Bubba…
or the vacant.
And now we don’t know who Luigi is going after.
The league is nervous.
🧹 George Doesn’t Do Any Better
George Bushee went up against absent Vicki, who had important things to tend to at home.
George lost two to the woman who wasn’t even there.
He shrugged and said,
“Honestly, I figured she’d beat me anyway.”
League historians agree.
🤯 Ron vs. Brad — The Twilight Zone Match
Ron and Brad had a match so bizarre it needs its own documentary.
Brad won Game 1 scratch.
Games 2 and 3? They tied.
Identical scores. Twice.
Brad also won scratch total.
And then handicap showed up and said:
“Nope.”
Ron took 3 games with handicap, causing Brad to declare:
“Ron’s handicap is bowling.”
The league has no counterargument.
🎳 Dave Pierce Takes 3 From Joe
Dave Pierce picked up three wins over Joe Holcomb, helping his season along.
But that didn’t stop Dave’s Pete Weber–level eruption from making a cameo.
Witnesses report a loud:
“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!”
followed immediately by
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
📞 Mary Requests Luigi’s Number
Michael Altop took three from Mary, which is the fastest way possible to make Mary angry.
She immediately turned to Bubba and asked,
“Give me Luigi’s phone number.”
The men of the league are now avoiding eye contact with her at all costs.
🪙 Jeff & Bob Split Down the Middle
Jeff Fletcher and Bob Schorr tied in total pins, which means:
Bob: 2½ wins
Jeff: 1½ wins
Some say they both bowled well.
Others say their math looked like a custody agreement.
🎯 Honor Scores – Week 13
High Game
🥇 Dave Pierce – 233
🥈 Jeff Fletcher – 213
🥉 Pat Worhle – 191
High Series
🥇 Dave Pierce – 539
🥈 Jeff Fletcher – 526
🥉 Brad Finnearty – 501
High Average (Men)
🥇 Jeff Fletcher – 177
🥇 Joe Holcomb – 177 (tie)
🥉 George Bushee – 165
Women’s Honors
As always…
Mary swept everything.
Again.
Still.
Forever.
She’s the Tom Brady of this league if Tom Brady got mad enough to carry a bowling bag filled with the skulls of the people who beat her.
🗣️ Rumor Mill – Week 13 Edition
(Where the truth is optional, but the entertainment is mandatory.)
🕵️ Rumor #1 – Luigi Is Confused
After Bubba lost two games to a vacant, rumor has it Luigi called back and asked:
“So… do you want me to rough up you or the empty lane?”
No one knows who’s getting “handled,” but the league is now afraid of Lane 13.
🧻 Rumor #2 – Brad Still Crying Somewhere
Witnesses reported that after tying Ron twice and still losing the match, Brad was seen in the locker room mumbling:
“Handicap is a scam… Ron shouldn’t be allowed to use it… Ron is the handicap…”
Someone said they spotted a small puddle forming near his bowling shoes again.
🔥 Rumor #3 – George Claims He Was Tricked
George was overheard telling someone:
“Vicki wasn’t actually absent. She used a hologram. I swear she beat me with a hologram.”
The league has decided not to ask follow-up questions.
👀 Rumor #4 – Dave Pierce Practiced His Pete Weber Speech in the Car
Multiple bowlers swear they heard Dave in the parking lot doing warm-up lines like:
“You’re damn right I am!”
and
“That’s why I’m here!”
He denies it.
The car does not.
🎒 Rumor #5 – Mary’s Bowling Bag Moved on Its Own
After losing to Michael Altop, Mary was so angry she supposedly stuffed something extra into her bowling bag.
Some say it was a spare ball.
Others say it was Michael’s soul.
Either way, the bag was noticeably heavier.
🎤 Rumor #6 – Jeff and Bob’s Tie Caused a Small Argument
Word is Jeff tried to settle the 2½ to 1½ split by suggesting they “fight for it in the parking lot.”
Bob said yes.
Jeff backtracked immediately.
🧮 Rumor #7 – Ron Is Trying to Patent Handicap as a Strategy
After winning despite two ties, Ron has reportedly been trying to trademark the phrase:
“Winning by math since 2024.”
Brad threatened legal action.
🎳 LBA Seniors Week 14 Recap
(Where the lanes were slick, the alarms were ignored, and Luigi stayed on speed dial.)
Brad’s alarm went off, the sun came up, the universe tried to wake him — and he simply rolled over and said “nope.” He was supposed to bowl a vacant. A VACANT. And still managed to win nothing. Word around the lanes is Ron is telling people Brad didn’t show because he “couldn’t handle another humiliation.”
Michael took 4 from Tom, putting an abrupt end to Tom’s hot streak. When asked about it, Michael said, “I figured I’d cool him off.” Tom said he didn’t ask to be cooled. Michael said, “Too bad.”
Mary, fueled by either Luigi’s phone number or pure righteous anger, laid down a four-game smackdown on George. George is still trying to process everything. Someone caught him whispering to his bowling ball: “Why?”
Ron strutted around like he climbed Mount Everest after taking 4 from an absent Bob Schorr. Nobody was impressed. Not even the lane machine.
Joe took four from Vicki. She didn’t even blink — she just turned to Bubba and said, “Call him.” Bubba didn’t even ask who. He knew.
Dave and Carl split 2-2. Dave stayed calm… which is suspicious. Carl celebrated his two wins like he won the US Open.
Pat was absent. Rumor is he used the same alarm clock Brad used — the one that says “Why try?” But even with Pat missing, Jeff only managed to take three. Nobody said it was easy beating a ghost.
Bubba took 3 from Marilyn and, for once, didn’t call Luigi. Growth? Probably not. He said he was “saving his minutes.”
🏆 Standings After Week 14
- Ron – currently insufferable
- Carl – powered by Carl Shots
- Joe – quietly dangerous
🎯 Top Scratch Bowlers This Week
High Scratch Game:
- Jeff Fletcher – 206
- Michael Altop – 202
- Joe Holcomb – 202
High Scratch Series:
- Joe Holcomb – 579
- Ron McKenzie – 561
- Jeff Fletcher – 557
📈 Season Highs (Still Untouched)
The season high scores refuse to budge. They’re dug in like a tick on a hound dog. Nobody improved them this week.
Men’s High Average:
- Joe Holcomb – 177
- Jeff Fletcher – 177 (tied at the top)
- George Bushee – 165
- Dave Pierce – closing the gap behind George
Women’s High Average:
Mary McKenzie – 164 (and still ahead of Ron and Brad, who were seen crying into each other’s shirts last week)
🔥 Saloon Rumor Mill – Week 14 Edition
(Guaranteed 94% unverified and 100% entertaining.)
• Rumor has it Brad’s alarm clock has filed for workers’ comp
After failing to get him out of bed for his match against a vacant, the poor clock claims emotional distress and repeated workplace trauma.
• Several bowlers swear they saw Pat and Brad’s alarms synchronize
Apparently both devices shouted, “Five more minutes!” in unison. Experts are calling it “Codependent Snooze Syndrome.”
• George requested Luigi’s number after Mary’s 4–0 beatdown
He didn’t say why. He didn’t have to. Anyone who loses four straight to an angry Mary knows exactly why.
• Vicki reportedly asked Bubba if Luigi offers group rates
Bubba said he’d ask. Luigi said he “doesn’t do family plans.”
• Bob Schorr wasn’t actually absent — he just didn’t want to bowl Ron
Bob allegedly sent in a decoy “absent slip” signed in crayon that said: “Sick. Definitely sick.”
• Carl says the lane machine’s been sabotaged
Sources overheard him muttering, “Someone’s trying to neutralize my Carl Shots.”
Nobody confirmed it — but nobody dismissed it either.
• Jeff is still confused about how he only took three from a missing Pat
He was overheard whispering, “How does one lose to air?”
• Luigi reportedly answered his phone this week with:
“Who needs ‘adjusting’ now?”
Half the league hung up immediately.
All senior league standings.
